Dentist: Please stop howling.I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient: I know.But you are standing on my foot!
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine,unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
Does the dog know the proverb,too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman,"don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah,yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb,but does the dog know the proverb,too?"
George es from school on the first of September.
"George,how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her,Mother,because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too."
Dentist: I'm sorry,madam,but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud,he scared four other patients out of the office.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.This student got back his test and $64 change.
After supper,the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests.At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV,"Honey,go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while,her son returnedand said,"Ma,the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."
Teacher:Tom,why are you late for school every day?
Tom:Every time I e to the corner,a sign says,School-Go Slow.
"Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine."
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it."
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man plained to his friend."She asks me a question,then answers it herself,and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
Put your feet in
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil, "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
A father of five came home with a toy,summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present,“Who is the most obedient,never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired.There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it,Daddy!”
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house.At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers, when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs: "I pray for a bicycle.I pray for a new toy."
His older brother leaned over, nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
Kate: Mom,do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?
Kate: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.
Kate: No,you haven't.I've just dropped it.
A Useful Way
Father:Jack,why do you drink so much water?
Jack:I have just had an apple,Dad.
Father:What"s that got to do with it?
Jack:I forgot to wash the apple.
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe,it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one," Go home and get the umbrella."
The little turtle replied,"I will,if you don't drink my offee."
"We won't，" the other two promised.
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle,"Well,I guess he isn't ing back,so we might as well drink his coffee."
Just then a voice called from outside the door,"If you do,I won't go."
Let Dog in Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me.He is well-groomed and very well behaved.Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner,who said,"I've been operating this hotel for many years.In all that time,I've never had a dog steal towels,bedclothes,silverware or pictures off the walls.I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.Yes,indeed,your dog is wele at my hotel.And,if your dog will vouch for you,you're wele to stay here,too."
One day,the father lets eight year-old son send a letter,the son took the letter,the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope.
After the son es back,the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?"
"You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?"
"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."
"Then why you didn't take it back?"
"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee,is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!"
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man plained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
Who's More Polite?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.
What are the Two Words?
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’.Would you promise me that?
Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?
A Monkey and a Flea
Mum: Baby, what’s the difference between a monkey and a flea? Baby: One is big and one is small.
Mum: Anything else?
Baby: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can’t have monkeys.
When we work evenings .we often order take-out food at the office.One night we all gave our orders to Sharon, who wrote the selections on a self-stick note. Unable to find our list when she arrived at the fastfood restaurant, Sharon stepped up to the counter. But before she could speak, the cashier recited the exact order. " How could you possibly know that?"asked Sharon.
"Tt's right there," replied the cashier,"stuck to your chest."
Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.
When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?”
“Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.”
How to Become Rich
Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend:No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.